This week is National Infertility Awareness week. For the past few years during this week especially I can remember scrolling through countless blog posts of other women who were struggling with infertility. I was just looking for someone who really understood. Unless you have walked though it, it may be hard to understand the toll that infertility can take on someone emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I’ve often struggled feeling guilty about grieving infertility and how I mourned our pregnancy loss, thinking that it shouldn’t be a big deal. But friends, it is a big deal. So many men and women struggling with infertility feel hopeless and alone.
The first couple of years of infertility, was consumed with anger and bitterness. Countless nights were spent sobbing myself to sleep while Justin comforted me. I felt hopeless and wondered will I ever be a mother, and I felt broken. It was somewhere around year 3 where my heart started to change. I can remember asking God for joy, and joy and peace in our waiting and to heal my heart. Slowly but surely things started to change. I realized I didn’t want to waste this time of Infertility. I didn’t want to miss out anymore on celebrating with my friends and family that were pregnant because this really was an exciting time for them and I love them! I thought to myself, “Do I want their story, or the one God has for us?” Fast forward 2 years and we did get pregnant but if you have been reading my previous blog posts you’ll know we lost that baby. Through loss we still have immense hope but also knowing a baby isn’t the end goal anymore. I am not my infertility. I am more than what my body can produce and God sees that, and I see that now. I’m loved and precious in his eyes. I desire to be a mother and am holding fast to the hope that I will be someday.
Justin and I are overjoyed to be growing our family though adoption and see how this really was God’s first plan for us, but infertility will always be apart of us though and our story no matter if we ever have biological children someday. I think it’s important to know how to support friends and others that are struggling with infertility. Everyone is different and people process things differently, but if you ask someone how you can support them that’s a great first step. To anyone reading that’s struggling, I see you and you’re not alone.
I’ve been trying to think of a word that I want to focus on this year. I want to be more purposeful in all aspects of my life and the word INTENTIONAL kept coming to mind. It’s easy to just go through the motions and worry about things I have no control over.
I want my relationship with God to be intentional.
I want marriage to be intentional.
I want my friendships to be intentional.
I want my photography work to be intentional.
I want to be intentional about taking care of my physical and emotional health.
What’s a word that you want to focus on this year?